thats me in aaron's studio, on the floor, surrounded by roses i bought from Aldi, in a top i bought from TKmaxx next to the dog i bought from a woman in west brom.
when i spiral/lose it/in the process of slipping into sadness i buy shit. creams, books, make up, plants, pink backdrops & living things that need feeding and dental treatment.
i got sad. got angry. got suicidal. i then got a dog and went on medication. the dog was my choice and the medication was the doctors. 3 years later i still have the dog who is a cunt and still on medication which is also a cunt. this post is about that, exactly that. no transition, no evolution of coping or living with depression, just cunt dog and cunt medication. 3 years on.
i'm about to began work on a new show, 'Oil and Water' and currently doing that section of a show where you write a shit bio about your self which is quirky and lays down the foundation for who you are. A few attempts....
" hi i'm Demi and i may or may not let my dog lick in side my mouth"
"hi i'm Demi, i like salted caramel, reading, and find white people unbearable"
"hi i'm Demi and i'm still on medication for depression, still on FU-CK-ING MED-I-CA-TION.....STILL"
i understand, i truly do understand so please, I know that medication is important. it works. many people are on it for years, including family members but that doesn't stop my issues with it and my desires of not taking them. sertraline is what i take, one of the most common antidepressants on the NHS. I take 100mgs but can sometimes not take them at all or double dose. yes it happens, yes i'm responsible and understand its chemical ramifications when not being consistent but it happens.
It took me to write a theatre show to learn all the wonderful things that sertraline, antidepressants and SSRI's are & do. i know so much that i want to go back to knowing nothing, you know? be blissfully unaware that
SSRI's double the risk of suicide and aggression in teenagers AND
companies only need 2 positive trials to be approved and have no obligation to publish any negative results AND
most mass killings are due to the withdrawal or side effects of SSRI's
thats a lie, i do want to know but i want to know from the outside like learning of a science, out of curiosity not because it directly effects me. i have this thought, what if i killed myself from trying to withdraw. what if my family don’t realise it was directly due to the drugs and not the depression. i wonder how many suicides happen like this. a reaction to the drugs and not the illness. there are websites on this stuff. deaths directly linked to the drugs and family accounts of law suits and pharmaceutical pay offs. i have shame, shame for taking them and shame for not acknowledging the good they do for me.
i've stopped going to the doctor. i order my repeat prescription online every 28 days. i'm scared that withdrawing requires liquid form and liquid form is hard to come by. i've had more depressive episodes recently, im starting to wonder if sertraline is starting to wear off. has my body got use to them and now i need a higher dose?
i have questions and no one to ask. so nothing will change i will continue till, till its time to order some more. at the post-show discussion of 'life is no laughing matter' something wonderful happened, it become a "i take sertraline also" sharing party' #sertralinecrew was born. i was equally elated and blue. on reflection i still feel the same.
the saying goes "Change is inevitable, change is constant" but nothing has changed for me and it seems like its the case for a lot of us. same medication, same therapist, same routine, same depression.
do i care?
right this second, no, but in a few days when I've forgotten to order my prescription, then maybe (yes ill be livid) but right now i'm trying the radical thing of not giving a fuck and embracing no change whatsoever
next time someone asks how you doing? say like me. 'exactly the fucking same as last time'
happy mental health awareness week