Break/down/break/through

i’ve never had a breakdown. 

this year i had a breakdown

march, maybe april, i don’t really remember.

i do remember, the only thing i let get close was death.

it sat with me just waiting for me to say ye.

my breakdown was triggered by stopping my medication, like cold turkey.

i stopped and as the numbness fell away I finally had clarity. 

clarity of that pain

my pain,

well little me's pain.

and we all know are little us’s, their pain is just really fucking vast right?

********

i've learnt that survival is sometimes the only mode my/your

body knows when little me/you felt immense trauma, like that its default setting

but you forget.

seeing trauma flood your beings, your family, your loves. 

but you forget.

you forget that trauma does what it does.

it seeps into your little skin and writes you.

writes shame, no, stabs shame in you.

ever so small, so small you forget its there

till you remember

till you remember.

i remember now that i left her, 

little demi. 

i ran so hard i left you

and it wasn’t your fault, 

it wasn’t your fault. 

you deserved to grieve. 

i let go of you, before you could. 

your pain was valid.

it needed a ceremony, 

it needed food, 

it needed singing, 

it needed flowers, 

it needed  ritual,

you needed to let go.

Im so sorry you didn’t get that


******


but i can start now with the only thing I can build from, love. 


toni, my beloved Toni says it's not a breakdown it’s a breakthrough and I kinda, deep down thought that was bollocks, till now, this year.

if this breakdown has given me anything it’s knowing that the only thing that needs to sit that close to me ever again is love regardless how many times death will sit on the other side of me, i will summon, drag, pull, push love to the other side.

the legacy of trauma has been carried without consent for so many generations and i will dedicate my life to trying to put it down and i start with this. 

A series of images of celebration of me and my being. 

this image is for me

its soft 

its power

its resistance 

its open

its a reminder of these past months and how i will heal.


i will continue to post images from this series that I'm nicknaming breakthrough. cheese like, but #livingmybestlife

SHOUTING TODAY AND EVERYDAY I/YOU/WE HAVE WORTH AND VALUE REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING AND NOTHING  X

_MG_6456.jpg